The words I said
hung in the air
I was aware of their weight
only after they were out there
I was angry and spiteful
about something so small
It was concerning and frightful
makes my skin crawl.
And I apologize ’cause
I know what I said hurt
It’s not just the size
but also their worth
Forgive me for what I’ve become
I know I’ve changed
what’s done is done
the only thing left is pain
I’ve become a person
not knowing her own self
They say action speak louder than words
but I realise words kill as well.
They were right when they said
you were toxic and that
i shouldnt be with you
but i didn’t listen to them
because i believed in our friendship.
But soon you showed
your true colours,
and made my life colourless.
You choked me,
and never gave me space
and suffocated me,
until I couldn’t breathe.
You fed me venom
until my guts gave up
and never bothered to clean my insides again.
Now I lie here,
turning blue with all the poison
you left in me.
I can feel the intoxication in my body,
and every blood vessel is dying
slowly but surely.
The venom worked,
you left me craving for death.
“It’s my fault”
These words rung through my head even though I knew they weren’t true.
“It’s my fault”
These words spread through my veins even when I didn’t want it to.
“It’s my fault”
These words made my legs weak and I fell to the ground even though I thought I was strong.
“It’s my fault”
These words made me feel small as I crumbled under the societal hypocrisy.
“It’s my fault”
I agreed as I found a solution and relief with a razor blade cutting my skin a bit too deep.
Sorry for the short poems, Life’s been busy at the moment, i hope to make stuff longer but i can’t guarantee. ♥
They say the truth will set you free
But what if that truth is something you don’t wanna hear?
You’ve been lying for so long
To just feel validated
Maybe everyone knows the truth
but they don’t talk about it,
Just to make you feel good.
Eventually one day,
The truth falls out
And suddenly people don’t look at you the same way,
You don’t look at yourself the same way,
You feel small,
You feel insecure,
As if the whole world is crumbling beneath your feet,
and you can feel yourself getting sucked into the inescapable void,
That you’ve been avoiding for so long,
And then you realize that,
It doesn’t set you free,
It traps you down in the hole of terror beneath.
The world is filled with fascinating things,
From a simple form of Dance,
To pretty rings.
I would love to go to fascinating places,
Meet fascinating people,
Learn religion and races,
And do things that are illegal.
I want to read new books,
Underrated or overrated,
Also read those that get judged by their looks,
Even if they are hated.
I would love to sit on the seaside,
And watch the sunset
As I sit near the tides
With nothing on my mind to fret.
I want to fill my passport
With nothing but stamps,
So that it stands as a souvenir of places I have explored,
While being a scamp.
I write this at a low time,
When thoughts aggravate me,
So I tried to think of all the things that fascinate me,
These are things I want to do,
Still not sure whether these would happen like I want them to.
i can feel the pseudo smile
forcing it’s way out,
making me pretend
that I have a feeling.
the senseless curve on my face,
trying to show that i’m listening
to whatever you are saying,
but i’m actually not.
i’m sorry, but i’m never listening,
because denser thoughts crowd my mind,
and I try to block them,
atleast by listening to you,
but I end up blocking your words,
and instead listen to my toxic thoughts.
i see your mouth move,
i see you jumping because you are excited about something,
that something being the topic you are talking about,
i want to feel happy for you,
congratulate you or wish you good luck,
for the thing that made you happy.
but i’m unable to function normally,
i feel numb
and out of this world,
like I don’t belong here,
i just exist,
like my only goal is to exist,
until I cease to exist.
I look in the mirror wondering how I’ve been,
Imagining a lanky figure and a sallow skin,
But all I’m met with is a very healthy girl.
I take a step back trying to figure out who is she,
She does the same too,
But I think she has recognized me.
I hold up my pale and scarred wrist to the mirror,
And see clean wrists.
Stupefied, I look at her face,
Her lips curl into a smile,
I look into her eyes,
And feel my whole world spinning,
Because I see fire,
Then I realize,
That this girl is winning,
Winning at everything I’m not,
And that’s a lot.
I realize this mirror shows our inner desire,
Shows what we must be in this cruel world,
Shows what we crave the most,
Shows that we need to fly higher.
You know how sometimes all you wanna do is cry? Like for absolutely no reason or maybe that’s what you think it is, because no one cries for no reason. It’s all bottled up feelings and emotions just threatening to spill out as if you are gonna cry for nothing.
And then one day, something happens, a small trigger, like you drop a glass or you lose balance and fall. Normally, you would just pick up the glass or dust yourself and walk off but now this tiny incident will provoke everything inside you and it will all just spill out. Others might think you are petty for crying on such a small issue, but little do they know that there are greater things inside that hurt 5 times more than this small problem.
And then you sit there while picking up the glasses and just cry it all out, every bit of it, as if this is on the verge of ‘All or nothing’.
“You shouldn’t be crying for such a small thing,” they say, but only you know how this small thing has opened up closed stitches and the wound is exposed and that now the blood is flowing rapidly and you don’t know how to stop it and you don’t want to either , so you just let it all spill, the blood, the tears and everything’s that’s been bothering you for ages.
And once you are done, you don’t feel empty, you feel refreshed, you feel new because every single thing that’s been trapped in your heart for years is now let out and now, you can start all over again.
It’s always been dark,
But I wasn’t scared,
I’ve been here so many times,
I used to walk down the hollow space,
And though I felt suffocated,
I could manage.
Now it’s changed,
There’s water everywhere,
And I can’t swim,
You think I learnt with experience?
No, I just let myself sink.
I feel my breath grow shorter
Water’s entered my lungs,
I close my eyes and concentrate,
I wanna get out of here and run.
Run away from this darkness,
Run away from this hollowness,
Find solid ground.
I struggle for this every day,
Try to calm myself and pray,
And I still can’t find a way,
Help me out of this dismay.
You are hurt, I know it.
You just hide it really well, don’t show it.
You seem to be getting sadder everyday,
I am willing to do whatever I may,
to help you, heal you,
support you, love you.
I wonder if it hurts when you cut,
why does it feel needful, a must?
I see your bloodshot eyes,
and i know all you’ve done is cry,
all day, all night,
when will you win this fight?
I want to help you so i ask, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing”, you snap and i realize you aren’t strong.
Not strong enough to survive this on your own,
you are pushed into this battle all alone.
One day i find you holding a bottle of pills,
you are ill,
Ill of the sorrows in life,
and you find relief only with a knife.
You hide the pills as soon as you notice I see,
“Why?” I ask worried, “You don’t have to hide it from me.”
I look into your eyes and see the pain underneath.
Tears well up in your already red eyes.
“It’s fine to breakdown sometimes.” I say,
“It’s fine sometimes but not fine if it’s always”, you reply.
I pull you into a tight hug and whisper it’ll be alright,
You just rest your head on my shoulder and let out small cries.
I realize that you are torn apart,
and I’m left half a heart.